​Yet another news report comes across your screen that makes you grind your teeth with rage or wring your hands with fear.  Someone in your office makes your day-to-day life very frustrating.  You feel exhausted after visiting certain branches of your family.  A receptionist is snippy with you out of the blue.  A friend's family member just passed away.  Another hospital/embassy/town center in the world is bombed with heavy casualties.  You're struggling with a chronic illness.  Some internet troll starts spewing hateful opinions on your social media post.  Depression and anxiety are on the rise.  Suffering and strife are all around us.  Sometimes it's enough to make us want to flip a table!

Naturally, all of this is rooted in complex issues and there's always more to it than what we see.  Many psychoanalysts say that anger is an outward expression of pain and fear, and depression is anger turned inward.  On a systemic scale, racism, subjugation, and stereotyping are rooted in fear.  Judgmental people tend to judge themselves the harshest, and it comes from a place of insecurity.  The comedian George Carlin once said "Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist."  In "The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship: A Toltec Wisdom Book" don Miguel Ruiz describes the drama in our relationships and our reaction to it as people touching the emotional wounds we get early in life, or our inadvertent touching of someone else's wounds.  For that reason, one of his Four Agreements is also "Don't take anything personally."  There is a beautiful true story by Terry Dobson, a late Aikido Master, in his anthology “The Peaceful Warrior" that tells of a drunk, violent man who accosted people on a Tokyo train and what happened when the author was about to use Aikido to diffuse the situation.  That story in particular made a profound impression on me for the rest of my life and I highly recommend taking a quick moment to read it.  All of these examples illustrate how suffering begets more suffering.  So what can we do about it?

"Don't let it get to you" is a trite phrase that is easily said and some people sure don't make it easy to practice.  On a lighter note, Prince once recommended in his song "Let's Go Crazy": "...And if the elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy - punch a higher floor!"  Sounds fun, but sometimes that's really hard to do.  For myself, I practice Tonglen.

Tonglen ("giving and taking") is a Tibetan Buddhist meditation practice that addresses pain in a compassionate way.  It can be a quick in-the-moment thing you do anywhere, or it can be a more profound meditation you practice in private.  When facing conflict, or hearing bad news, or feeling discouraged, or grieving about atrocities in the world, take a moment to acknowledge the misery as you inhale a deep breath.  If you yourself are suffering, think of the millions of people in the world who are feeling what you're feeling.  As you exhale -- a relaxed allowing of breathing, not a pushing of air -- imagine a loving solution for the suffering.  Envision what you would give if you could: safety for refugees, abundance for the poor, serenity for an addict, relief for a person with cancer, genuine self-love for a hateful person, security for the worry-wort, belonging for the marginalized, healing for a family facing loss, peace for yourself.  Marie Forleo has a great video about tonglen and recommends saying to yourself on this exhale "May we all be free of this suffering."

You're taking in the suffering as you inhale, giving a loving intention as you exhale.

Pema Chödrön, an American-born Tibetan Buddhist nun, author, and teacher, eloquently describes tonglen and how it helps us to access compassion for others and for ourselves, and how we all benefit from that.

If you'd like to take this a step further and learn more about compassion, empathy, and how you can re-frame negativity and suffering, ​Pema Chödrön wrote a book titled "Tonglen, the Path of Transformation".

The Dalai Lama, who practices tonglen every day, said "Whether this meditation really helps others or not, it gives me peace of mind. Then I can be more effective, and the benefit is immense."  He has written extensively about compassion -- these quotes are great highlights to think about.

Also, there are several Ted Talks on the subject of compassion that may interest you.

If you have other methods of finding a loving way to deal with difficult people or situations, I'd love to hear about it in the comments below!  How would you apply tonglen to some situations you find yourself in?

Sleep is one of the most restorative things we can do for our bodies and minds, but with the fast pace of modern life it tends to be the first thing we de-prioritize and it's the thing that suffers most when we're stressed.  Occasional sleep deprivation is sometimes unavoidable (boy howdy do we feel for new parents!) and the amount of sleep each person needs varies, but not getting enough over an extended span of time takes a serious toll.  Why is it so important for us to make time for sleep?

• Averaging less than 5 hours total per night increases risk of death from all causes by 15%. 
• While asleep your body repairs itself.  Lack of sleep contributes to high blood pressure, weight gain, heart disease, risk of stroke,  and diabetes.
• Dreaming is your mind’s opportunity to work out external and internal conflict.  Without adequate REM sleep one can be more prone to depression, increased stress and anxiety.  This is especially frustrating for those who already suffer from anxiety and depression, since symptoms of these disorders can include difficulty sleeping.  Talk about a vicious cycle!
• Lack of sleep affects emotion regulation, memory, and cognitive skills.  The NIH goes into greater detail here.

​Multiple factors contribute to insomnia -- most can be managed.

Whether your issue is falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping long enough (or in my case, all 3), you have a lot of options to manage it even if you can't completely cure it.  Different methods work for different people, so try a bunch and see what's best for you.

So, your bed is comfy enough, the temperature in the room is just how you like it, and it's quiet enough.  Your environment is fine but you still can't sleep.  What can you do?
  
Prepare for Landing
In the hours leading up to your bedtime, there are a number of ways you can inadvertently sabotage your ability to fall asleep and stay asleep.  Let's avoid them. :)

• Keep as regular a schedule as you can.  Circadian rhythms, or your "biological clock" as it relates to day-to-day body habits like sleeping, digestion, and metabolism, need to be pretty consistent for those systems to work well.
• Getting regular exercise (even 10 minutes at a time) helps tremendously with priming your body for sleep.
• Try not to exercise or eat a big meal within a few hours of bedtime.  If your blood pressure is elevated from these activities you're not likely to slow down enough for unconsciousness.
• Avoid caffeine (even chocolate, which contains a derivative stimulant) 4-6 hours before bedtime.  Remember that colas have plenty of caffeine in them too.
• Napping can make it tougher to sleep at the end of the day.  If you struggle with insomnia skipping naps entirely is ideal but if you really can't make it through the day without one, keep it short and early.
• Dim lighting is best in the evening.  Bright light stimulates brain chemicals that help you stay alert, active, and in a more lively mood.  Darkness stimulates brain chemicals (such as melatonin) that help you relax and wind down.  Keeping your bedroom as dark as possible when you sleep is ideal.
• This can be tough when you're living in a studio apartment or if your sleep space is in a high-traffic area of your home, but try to avoid working or studying in bed.  If you associate alertness with your bed, it's hard to convince your brain that it's for sleep too.  Reading in bed can help some folks relax before sleep but if it's a compelling book you may fall into the "one more page" trap and discover it's nearly dawn ;)  Many experts also recommend against watching TV before bed (especially since the light from the TV brightens the room).

Creating Calm and Relaxation
At last, the day is done and it's time to call it a night.  But, you're wide awake OR you're exhausted but can't get your mind to quiet down.

• Herbal remedies:  Chamomile, Valerian root (stinky but effective!), skullcap, hops, passionflower, lavender, and a number of other herbs can help you relax without giving you that dopey, sluggish feeling when you wake up.  There are several tea brands on the market to choose from that offer blends like these.
• Aromatherapy:  Lavender and a number of relaxation-themed blends of essential oils are available either to dab on your temples or to diffuse.  An eye-pillow filled with lavender can be a pleasant way to pamper yourself too.  If you go for essential oils, be sure to do a little research on the brand to ensure it's pure and good quality.
• Melatonin supplements:  Talk to your doctor before trying this option, but if your doctor feels it's appropriate for you this can help you get back on schedule.  They will let you know what dosage and duration is best for your needs.
• Meditation:  This is a great way to clear your mind and use deep breathing to wind down your body.  If you're not accustomed to meditation or you struggle with clearing your mind, practicing a Mindfulness meditation can give you an alternative to focus on instead of the 4,698 thoughts pinballing around your head.  You can also get recorded guided meditations to listen to when you go to bed.
• Reiki:  You know I gotta mention it. ;)  If you're a Reiki practitioner, now is a perfect time to practice self-Reiki.  If you're not a Reiki practitioner, I highly recommend finding one near you and having regular sessions -- there are more and more studies underway that demonstrate how much Reiki improves sleep;  the ease of falling asleep and the quality of sleep once you get there.  It's the most common feedback I receive from my clients: "The night after our session I slept GREAT!"  Since I get the same benefit as my client during a session, I sleep great that night too. ;)
• Music:  There are a variety of types of music to listen to that can put you in a slower mindset, and you can even find recordings of synthesized music that are specially designed to encourage your brain waves to find a sleep-conducive rhythm.  Some folks prefer something less melodic, like sounds of the ocean or rain showers.  Searching for spa music can produce many options.
• Bubble bath:  This is a great way to combine quiet, aromatherapy, and warmth to relax your body and mind.  They're not just for ladies!  If you don't have a tub or just aren't into baths, a shower can suffice, though not if showers tend to wake you up of course.
• Gratitude:  It is said that gratitude is the highest form of prayer and the highest state of emotion we can aspire to.  Even if you're not religious, taking a moment to count at least 5 blessings or things you're thankful for helps put your mind in a great vibe.  You can't think of worrisome things if you're focusing on stuff you're glad for.  They don't have to be super meaningful every time either -- life is all about the little things.  Some people keep a Gratitude Journal and find it useful to write down a few things they're grateful for each night.  For me, shifting my mind's focus and self-talk to gratitude is one of the most effective methods I've discovered for defeating insomnia.  I rarely make it to 10 things before falling asleep!
• Purge the chaos:  Many people struggle with shushing all the worries, To Do items, way-better-comebacks-than-I-actually-used, old anger, regrets, loneliness, that-crazy-episode-of-"Tournament of Chairs"-you-just-watched, and a variety of existential quandaries that wait until the last minute to occupy your head space.  Keep a pad of paper and pen/pencil by your bed and jot these things down.   Deal with them tomorrow. Something I remind myself of every time I struggle with this is: "You have ONE job right now.  ONLY ONE responsibility:  sleep.  Everything else you need to take care of must wait until the morning.  You can do nothing about any of it right now."  Sometimes just the idea of relinquishing all those duties for the moment is a huge relief.
• Have an orgasm:  No really!  There are great brain chemicals and hormones you get out of physical pleasure that help you to relax, and it doesn't require a partner.  Of course, be aware that increasing your heart rate and respiration too much can have the opposite effect and you may be too revved for sleep.
• Medication:  There is always the pharmaceutical option if you're really having a hard time.  Talk to your doctor and they may be able to prescribe something, at least for a while.  There are often side-effects that make sleeping pills unpleasant for many people but if you're desperate enough you might find it to be acceptable.

If you've truly tried *everything* and after a period of time nothing works, talk to your doctor.  If you have trouble staying asleep or you still feel exhausted in the morning you may have a medical issue such as sleep apnea, which can be a dangerous condition but is manageable with a variety of treatments.  Your doctor can also recommend you to a sleep specialist where they can monitor you while you try to sleep and find out what's causing the problem.  A psychological approach may benefit you as well -- talking to a therapist works well for many people.  Whatever it takes, do what you can to get the sleep you need.  Your longevity and quality of life depend on it.


What works for you?  If you've had trouble with sleep, what methods did you find to be effective?  Is there something you had great luck with that isn't on this list?  Please share below; we'd love to hear it!